3 Reasons Your Teenager Does Not Listen To You

Being a parent can be a beautiful yet challenging experience. Things might be plain- sailing when your child is young and pays attention whenever you call their name, is obedient, follows what you say, knows the house rules and may also look up to you for anything and everything they need, be it wanting to be dressed by you or needing help with homework. However, as your children enter teenage, it might bring some shifts in the dynamics at home and in the relationships.

Usual Shifts Teenage Brings

What are some of the changes you may observe in your child as they move into teenage and those in your dynamic with them?

They Grow Up!

Your teen may be now taller, stronger, have a heavier voice (more common in boys). When you look into their eyes, you may see that youthful energy beaming through. They can perhaps now put things in and out of the cabin higher up which they couldn’t do earlier. They don’t fit into their childhood dresses anymore and begin experimenting with their looks and style.

Also Read | How Does Parental Discord Impact A Teenager?

More Focus On ‘Self’

As per renowned psychologist Erik Erikson’s Theory of Psychosocial Development, adolescence is a time when those going through it search for a sense of self and personal identity through intense exploration of personal values, beliefs, likes and dislikes, and goals. It is during this stage that the adolescent will re-examine their identity and try to find out who exactly they are as an individual, which is to look for their other roles than being your child.

Make Their Own Choices

You may find that your child no longer blindly follows you, but rather starts to make their own choices. They may no longer agree with everything that you say. If you have been used to obedience, this may come off as a bit rebellious as well. They may be idolising somebody outside the family, or follow what is a ‘trend’ or what their peers are talking about. They may start stating their own opinions which may not align with yours.

Also Read | Why You Need To Draw Boundaries With Your Teenage Child

Why They Don’t Listen

It is natural and common for parents to feel that their teenager does not listen to them. What could be some reasons? Let us explore a few of them so as to be able to find a way to deal effectively with them.

What Studies Say

A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience in May 2022 found that teenagers are not simply refusing to listen to their parents, rather, the change is more neurological. According to the researchers, kids process their parents’ voices differently as teenagers relative to how it was during their childhood. It was found that teens’ brains change to help them tune into new people’s voices and put less emphasis on their parents’. This change helps teenagers develop socially and form connections with people outside of their families. So, when your teen doesn’t listen to you, it’s not rebelliousness, but a normal developmental milestone.

Also Read | Things You Should Say To Your Teen More Often

As children enter teenage, it might bring some shifts in the dynamics at home and in the relationships.

They Don’t Feel Heard

If you consistently feel your teenager does not listen to you, it is important to reflect if you listen to them in the first place. Communication happens two ways. If we want somebody to listen to us, we need to be able to do the same for them, and so is true in the case of your bond with your teenage child. There will be a lot of things that they share which may not make sense to you or you may not relate to – but being able to understand everything is not a mandate. What at times is simply needed is to hold space for them and acknowledge their experiences without judging or trying to fix them. This includes the way you use your tone, gestures, and body language to convey and receive.

Also Read | 8 Mistakes You Should Avoid Making With Your Teenage Child

You Might Be Imposing

Have you noticed yourself saying, “I know what’s best for you!”, “You don’t know anything!”, or “You’re too young to know about things!”, etc? If yes, it is worth taking note that these statements can come off as you robbing your teen of their sense of agency and the ability to carve their life’s journey, which in turn could potentially induce self-doubt in them. It becomes crucial to understand that they may have lesser life experiences than you, but it doesn’t mean those experiences hold lesser value for them. Your intention could simply be to protect them from making mistakes and guide them to what is right. But remember, you were also a teen once, nobody likes things to be imposed on themselves beyond a point.

Also Read | 6 Personal Experiences You Must Share With Your Teenager

Strengthening The Bond

Given the enormously transitional phase teenage is for those going through it, it is definitely a testing and challenging time for parents of teenagers as well. A few points you should keep in mind and try to implement if you feel you’re bond with your teenage child is diluting are:-

• Keep doors to communication open. Listen to respond and not react ; accept without judging.
• If you feel your child is going in a direction that may practically land them in trouble, explain possible consequences to actions, gently and rationally.
• Like any other healthy relationship, your bond with your teenage child should be based on mutual respect for each other. Respect your child for who they are and how they think as individuals, rather than despising the differences between you and them.
• Give your teenager space to pursue their interests, hobbies, and meet friends. Be a facilitator rather than an obstacle and things are likely to take a desirable shape.

A lot resides in the power of authentic presence, intentional listening, and honest conversation. Parenting is hard, but your teen may also teach you to be a better parent, if only you are open to learning.

Sanskriti Khera is a Counselling Psychologist, with five years of extensive hands-on experience in helping young adults navigate through social and emotional concerns. Her approach to counselling is person-centered, trauma-informed, and insight-oriented. She was formerly Counsellor at the Ashoka Centre For Well-Being, Ashoka University, Sonepat. Currently, she is Consultant with Daffodils Therapy Studio, New Delhi.