Reworking Parenting Goals : Why You Should Not Aim To Raise A “Perfect” Child

How Parents Want Kids To Be

What are the important components sought the most by parents in their child? Usually, it is obedience and compliance. It becomes one of the top most goals of your parenting to raise an obedient child. This is likely to involve punishment and strict disciplining. The child may become totally malleable to all your wishes and rules, bringing you great joy and pride. But this kind of authoritarian parenting can be unhealthy for your child.

An abject obedience can evoke timidity and fear in the child from their young age, leading to passivity, lack of assertiveness and low self-confidence in their later years. A parenting goal which you thought was great can rebound negatively in your bonding with your child.

Chasing Perfection

Perfection is another parenting goal set up commonly. This involves your own expectations of “I am going to be a perfect parent” as well as “My child is going to be a perfect child”.

You set the goals for their academic, extracurricular activities. This may entail comparing your child constantly to their peers, enrolling the child in coaching classes, hounding the teachers at the child’s PTA meetings to state a few examples.

Benchmark that you set for your child’s perfection can be a mirage which is merely an illusion. It can take a toll on your own well-being as well as your child’s.

Goals of parenting such as perfection, obedience and compliance can be unreasonable and controlling in nature. Moderation of rules in parenting is very important as the relationship matters utmost.

Benchmark That You Set For Your Child’s Perfection Can Be A Mirage Which Is Merely An Illusion

Reworking Parenting Goals

Nurturance oriented towards unconditional love, guidance and mutual trust leads to a healthier bonding between you and your child instead of power for control, rigidity and perfectionism.

Family values, beliefs, life skills are important lessons to be imparted to your child. Let the parenting be child-centric, aligned with their strengths and weaknesses, attitudes and aptitude.

As a parent your task is to equip or prepare your child for the future, that success and failures are an integral part of their life. Pressure of acing everything every time is nerve racking and not humanly possible either.

Reward And Reinforcement | Use reward and reinforcement as behaviour modification. Giving a hug, a high five, a gift which the child has desired for a while, praising or complimenting the child on their accomplishment are some of the examples of reward and reinforcement of new behaviour.

Reasoning | Reasoning can be used to help your child in making right decisions. Sharing facts, pros and cons are the example of putting your point across reasonably to your child.

Be Open To Trying | Be open to experiences as a trial and error approach will show flexibility and acceptance to your child. Learning new technology, activity or the interests of your child helps you in bridging the generational gap.

Share Experiences | Build and foster a connectedness with your child wherein perfection or imperfection does not matter. Share your own failings or weaknesses with your child and also the ways of coping with them positively. Children tend to admire their parents and shared experiences help them in understanding you better as a parent.

The goals that you set for your child are subconsciously linked to your own desires and aspirations. Your life experiences while growing up lay the foundations of expectations from yourself and others.

The parenting that you had while growing up will shape your parenting style too. Hence be conscious of the goals that you set for your child. Remember the uniqueness of your child as well as the times now. Be the parent and not a puppeteer to your child.

Dr. Sanjana Seth is a Psychologist and Psychotherapist, registered with RCI, and holds more than two decades of practising experience with the healthcare organisations of the Armed Forces, as well as those operating as private. She is skilled in administering psychological assessments, providing therapeutic intervention and psychoeducation via talks, lectures, workshops, and literary articles. She has worked extensively for children with special needs, and has taught Psychology to students at undergraduate and postgraduate levels.