Helping Teenagers Fit In: A Guide for Parents

“Fitting in” is a constant struggle for both parents and children alike. Today, kids make open demands for expensive, branded, luxurious items off parents – be it smartphones, expensive, stylised designer clothes, fancy destinations for holidays, meals and birthday get-aways, shoes, gifts, and even college education and universities abroad.

This seems to be more of a ‘mindset’ phenomenon of the child wanting to ‘fit in’ that if I don’t, I will be viewed as ‘not good enough’. They are constantly seeking acceptance and validation with peers and significant others to be considered ‘cool’, ‘with it’ and ‘hip’ to experience a sense of belonging to know that they are ‘doing well’ in the race and probably have a good lead. Gen Z thrives on ‘instant gratification’ rather than ‘delayed gratification’ – a priced value that perhaps my generation grew up with.

Adults are also responsible and guilty of showcasing these behaviours to the young ones and making it ‘aspirational’ for them. They inadvertently set the bar so high in terms of what achievement, success, contentment and happiness looks and feels like and further these children interpret that this is what it needs to ‘be’ to receive adulation, admiration and praise.

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For a teenager, "Fitting in" is a constant struggle. How can parents address this innate insecurity, conflict and threat that most of our teens experience. The desire to belong and be accepted by peers is real and can lead to issues, such as low self-esteem, lack of confidence, anxiety, depression, increased stress and indulging in other risky behaviours. Parents play a crucial role in helping their teenagers navigate these challenges.

Why Do Teenagers Struggle to Fit In?

Developmental Changes: Hormonal changes during adolescence contribute to mood swings and increased sensitivity to social interactions. The lack of a sense of belonging can make them feel like an outsider.

Identity Formation: Adolescence is a period of identity formation and self-discovery. Teenagers are exploring who they are and where and how they fit in the world. This quest leads them to seek validation and acceptance from their peers.

Media and Social Media: The portrayal of idealised lifestyles and body images (often played out by their own parents and role models) across media and social platforms can lead them to feel inadequate and inferior.

Social Pressure: Adolescents are highly influenced by their social environment. The desire to fit in can be driven by the fear of rejection or exclusion and so they may conform to certain behaviours to avoid feeling like outsiders.

Fear of Judgment: Teens are accurately aware of how they are perceived by their peers. The fear of being judged can be crippling, pushing them to conform to social expectations even when it goes against their own values or beliefs.

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Red-Flags To Look-Out For

Parents, be vigilant and skilfully attuned to the emotional well-being of your child. While adolescence is significantly marked by mood swings and changes in their attitudes and behaviours. Some signs that will help you identify that your child may be struggling to fit in:

Low Self-Esteem: A noticeable decrease in self-esteem, self-worth, or self-confidence can be indicative of social struggles that the child doesn’t feel that he is ‘good enough’.

Academic Problems: A steady/sudden decline in academic performance can be linked to the stress of social challenges and the inability to fix the situation with peers.

Change in Friendships: Frequent changes in friendships, breakdown of some strong relationships, emergence of a new friend/group can be a sign that your teenager is searching for acceptance.

Emotional Outbursts: Excessive anger, frustration, revengeful behaviour or tearfulness could be a response to the distress being caused out of social pressures.

Social Withdrawal: If your teenager suddenly becomes more isolated and avoids social interactions, it may indicate a struggle to fit in. Timely intervention is helpful.

Mood Swings: Frequent, extreme mood swings with violent and abusive behaviour signals underlying emotional turmoil related to social issues, peers and some unresolved stress.

Risky Behaviours: Some teenagers turn to risky behaviours to cope to numb their emotional pain, such as substance abuse or self-harm. Check their forearms and thighs.

How Parents Can Help?

Empathy and Understanding: Remember what it was like to be a teenager? Empathise with your child's desire to fit in and reassure them that you feel their struggle and they can beat the negative feelings.

Active Listening: When your teenager talks to you, actively listen. Validate their feelings and let them know you understand their point of view. Avoid dismissing, minimising their concerns or offering quick solutions.

Set Realistic Expectations: Discuss the unrealistic portrayals of life and beauty in media and social networks. Help them understand that nobody is perfect, and it's okay and good to be proud of themselves. And that they are merely work in progress!

Open Communication: Establish and maintain open lines of communication with your teen. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their feelings and experiences without judgement, knowing there is an affectionate parent who will understand their challenges.

Promote Self-Esteem: Encourage them to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem by acknowledging their strengths and helping them build confidence in their abilities. Celebrate the differences between siblings and do not compare.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills: Help your teenager develop problem-solving skills, so they can address social challenges and difficulties independently. Teach them to be articulate, kind, compassionate and assertively communicate their needs and build healthy boundaries.

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Encourage Interests and Hobbies: Support your teenager's interests and hobbies. Engaging in activities they are passionate about can help them find like-minded peers and move forward in the process of self-discovery. Do not discourage them and run down their morale.

Be A Realistic Role Model: Model healthy social interactions, behaviours and self-acceptance. Your actions and attitudes have the most profound impact on your young teenager's perception of themselves and the world that they live in.

Promote Positive Friendships: Encourage them to seek out friendships with individuals who share their values and interests and make them feel good and positive about themselves. Help them understand that quality friendships are more important than quantity.

Seek Professional Help: If you notice persistent signs of emotional distress or risky behaviours, please seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor who specialises in adolescent issues and can intervene helping them immediately.

While teenagers' struggle to ‘fit in’ to the various age specific requirements of their growing up years; as parents, it's essential to be vigilant and supportive of them. Understand the reasons behind their struggles, recognize the signs, and provide guidance and empathy, thereby helping them navigate this phase with confidence and resilience. Every child is unique, and the journey to ‘fit in’ is different for each one. Your unwavering support, strength and guidance as a loving, caring, concerned parent can make all the difference to overcome the challenges and grow up into confident, independent adults.

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