From Being “The Good Child” To Being The Anxious Adult: Importance Of Emotional Freedom

Despite the fact that psychology has been around for decades, we have yet not figured out the nuances of the complexity of the human psyche. It is as puzzling as it is mesmerising.

Sometimes the best and the most well-intended actions and words become a source of agony and anxiety in people’s lives, and yet other times, the most difficult of struggles becomes a source of success and achievement. All this leaves people confused about how this complex structure works.

Nevertheless, in all this complexity, a pattern emerges quite dominantly:

• A major chunk of the human psyche is formed in the first seven years of life.

• The daily actions and words used to parent children at a young age determine the internal world of children.

This suggests that the role parenting plays will inevitably become the foundation upon which a growing child rests their conscious mind on.

Let’s break this down a bit further.

Firstly, let us understand the difference between brain and mind: simply put, the brain is a tangible organ, that sits in our heads, caged by our skulls, while the mind is the sum total of our brain and bodies’ complex and interdependent structure. Our brain continues to fully develop till age 25, while portions of the psyche fully take form by age 7. The mind or the psyche holds three major divisions: the conscious, which is in our control and develops throughout life, the subconscious, which is our internal software program, and the unconscious, which is far more complex than I could state in a few words, and works like a multi-level data storage compartment.

Now, this subconscious mind is one built on habit, it develops through programming, facilitated by observing, listening and mimicking the behaviours, words, actions, expressions, and body language of our parents, siblings, teachers, family members and other adults we come into contact with frequently as children.

But, this programming is not as simple as it seems to be. You see, our brain is designed to create and recreate order and stability, based on what we consider familiar. While it chases pleasure, gratification and validation, it tries to escape pain, humiliation and prohibitions.

Evolutionarily, we have understood that the brain is built upon the binaries of punishment and reward, and this is how we have learnt to parent our young ones. Many parents feel a sense of pride when they say ‘Oh, but we don’t punish our children!’ and that is an undoubtedly good approach.

There is much confusion when it comes to how one must parent, and each parent picks their unique traits and work plans. But something that is required nonetheless, is compassionate and responsive parenting that focuses on the all-around development of the child beyond the institutional arenas of their life. This style of parenting is not equal to permissive parenting, which is the lack of guidelines and rules. In fact, it breaks out of the entire simple system of rewards and punishments into a style that creates acknowledgement, support, safety, order and teaches personal responsibility.

This is because it recognises that the lack of punishment isn’t enough to raise a strong, resilient child. The lack of negative rewards is just as important. Let me help you understand this concept by introducing to you the idea of the ‘good child’.

The Good Child

Many psychologists and therapists also call it the ‘Good Child Syndrome’ or the ‘Golden Child’ archetype. You might be wondering why it is a syndrome when the most important thing we parents want is for our child to have the qualities of a good child.

You see, as our children accomplish fundamental tasks like waking up, sleeping, excreting, cooperating in wearing clothes and travelling, walking, giving us kisses, talking and so on, we tell them how these are the qualities of a good child, and how much of a good baby/child they are. And, though this may encourage them, or so we believe, it begins to formulate the program that ‘I am only a good child when I do things my parents ask me to do’.

The 'Good Child' Syndrome

The reason it is called a syndrome is that, although it begins quite nicely, working well for both parents and children, it begins to show its viciousness as the child begins to grow up.

Initially, when the tasks are simple, it seems rather wonderful to us, but as a sense of self develops, so does the child’s self-esteem, self-image and self-worth, and this mirrors what they have heard growing up. They begin to understand that they are appreciated if they are good children, and this appreciation they often understand as love and affection, and the program inside them suggests that their self-worth, value and relevance to their parents is tied to them being ‘the good child’.

As the child grows up, the qualities that define a good child not just keep increasing, but also seem unreachable at times, due to either the expectations having been set too high or contradictory to what the child wishes/loves. From the infant that doesn’t cry too much to the child that never makes an error in their ABC’s, to an older child who never gets a D, to an adolescent who always does what is asked of them, never refuses a task, adjusts and thinks of other people’s wellbeing, the list of the qualities of a ‘good child’ becomes increasingly long and exhausting by the time they reach adulthood.

And, perhaps, we did not mean to make it that way, but in the greed of having this ‘golden child’, we find ourselves incapable of acknowledging, accepting, or even imagining that there could be something more to them.

Peg Streep, a famous author of parenting books, states, “A consistent theme of adult psychotherapy clients is that they had parents who were not curious about who they were but, instead, told them who they should be. The child creates a ‘persona’ for his parents but doesn't learn to know herself. What happens is that ‘the authentic self’ - the part of us open to feelings, experiences and intimacy - remains underdeveloped.”

When we, as adults, fear, criticize and especially disconnect from our children’s authentic self and its emotions, because we prioritize our comfort, they learn to do the same. The child, whose self-worth and identity is being the ‘good/golden child’, will automatically keep attempting to hear ‘good boy/good girl’, because they seek that reward, and the lack of this reward can turn into punishment. They will do everything it takes to win the ‘approval’ of their parents and other adults.

Now, the problem increases manifolds when this child starts engaging deeply with the world beyond their parents. They seek to now get appreciation for having the qualities of a ‘good child’, from their teachers, peers, later bosses, co-workers and even partners. The child begins to get anxiety when people do not associate their extra effort with being a ‘good child’. They fear they may have disappointed someone or worse, been a ‘bad child’. They wonder more about how people view them and how they feel about them than how they see and feel about themselves.

I will not go further into the ramifications of such a personality because it only goes downhill. Instead, I will focus on what it is that we can do to avoid this.

There's No "Good Child"

To start with, we want to avoid terms like ‘good child’ because it asserts that there is an opposite. Instead, we want to acknowledge their performance or effort by saying “Wow, look at your math skills!”. A single task mustn’t be a reflection of the whole child and more importantly, this should be an opportunity to teach them how to speak to themselves like, “You must be proud of your guitar performance!”.

Teach Children Of Their Inherent Worth

Our children are more than the tasks they take up in life. We have to invite the child to see that their worth is tied to their effort to grow and be a better person, but never a ‘good’*insert label*'. The child must be free to state how they feel, even if they choose to not go forward with something that the parent has suggested/instructed them to do. And, their feelings of opposition must be acknowledged and invited to be elaborated upon. We, as parents must assure them that they are inherently worthy. They may say "I'm not good enough” (because they can't do something), and our response should be to remind them that they are worthy, simply because they exist.

Acknowledge And Accept Change

When children show us sides to themselves that we may not particularly appreciate (like getting a tattoo, sporting a new look, or an obsession with strange music), we must acknowledge them. Show them what it is like to be a whole and complete individual, who does not need to cut out parts of themselves, repress their emotions or alter themselves to fit the moulds created by other people or society. Instead, we must reassure them that change is constant and that they must not be ashamed of their choices.

Encourage Them To Value Their Own Selves

We must understand that our words make up our children's inner system. The little voice that may show up in children that criticises them harshly is often the internalized voices of their parents and other caregivers (For example, "You are not good enough", "You always fail"). They learn to see themselves purely from the eyes of what their parents and other people hold valuable. They often forget that there is a self underneath all this that requires to be seen.

And, because ‘good children’ are always hungry to be seen, they will push themselves beyond their own limits or step on someone else’s to prove their worth to others.

Instead, we have to encourage them to see themselves for who they are. We showcase to them that single successes are outweighed by consistent effort. And those with the latter are resilient people who support, appreciate and hold themselves in high regard. Aware, whole and unscattered adults such as these are far more joyous, successful and at peace than those whose lives’ motive is to buy success at the cost of their own joy and sanity.

Nilanjana Parijat is a depth-oriented, and holistic wellness psychologist, with extensive hands-on experience in working with children, adolescents and families. She currently works with Reboot Wellness, Gurugram.