Do Not Transfer Your Fears To Your Child, Here’s How You Can Nurture Resilience And Courage

As parents, we often try to shield our children from fear and anxiety and provide them with an almost full proof environment, but sometimes our own fears unintentionally (consciously and unconsciously) transfer onto them. Whether it is the fear of certain subjects, objects, situations, our actions and emotions can significantly influence our children's perceptions and behaviours. It makes them sceptical, under confident and unsure of their place in the world of young adults. This article aims at understanding how these fears can impact our children and also provides practical tips on preventing this from happening.

The Impact of Transferring Fears

Fear of the dark, a subject that we detested at school, burglary, war, death, separation, divorce, fear of creepy crawlies, ghosts, and monsters, water, heights, closed spaces, lack of financial abundance are some of the most common fears, just to mention a few. Transferring these onto our little ones can hinder their ability to embrace the various facets of life and experience events and happenings objectively. They could also develop a personal bias.

It is essential that children have safe, secure, positive, creative environments to grow, learn and develop healthy brains and bodies first. Kids learn vicariously from the parents sharing their stories, warnings and biases.

For instance, if parents exhibit discomfort or judgement towards a certain language and culture, the child may internalise their beliefs and develop a biased attitude towards that language and culture.

If they express anxiety or disappointment about maths or physics, the child may develop a negative mindset towards the subject, leading to self-doubt and reluctance to engage with it.

Transferring fears of certain objects, animals or heights, can limit a child's exploration and overall mental growth. It hampers their ability to confront and overcome challenges and deal with the world confidently.

It can also end up with the child manifesting physical, mental, emotional and psychological health problems, developing anxiety and being stressed out, fearful which can further lower their immune system and increase the risk of certain health conditions.

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So what can responsible parents do? Here are some tips on preventing transferring of fears:

Parent the Child Without Fear

We do not receive a Parenting Manual at the birth of our first child, but our instincts, exposure, education, parenting that we have received (do’s and don’ts) all add up to form some of the best practices that we use as parents to raise our own. Understanding and ensuring that helicopter parenting makes it difficult for children to develop independence, resourcefulness, creativity and imagination and all basic life skills that they need to achieve success in school and life!

Reflect on Your Fears

Recognise your fears. Become aware, accept and take action to come to terms with them or resolve them as they can create a negative impact on your child. Identify and acknowledge your fears and get help to work on them to prevent them from influencing your child. Pay attention to your language. Don’t play too safe or mask your fears.

Model Courage and Resilience

Be a positive role model for your child and try to demonstrate courage and resilience in the face of fear. Share positive stories of how you overcame challenges, highlighting the importance of perseverance and self-belief despite nurturing some faulty fears.

Practise Emotional Regulation

Develop emotional awareness and regulation to manage your fears and feelings effectively. Engage in mindfulness practices, deep breathing, or seek professional support to help you cope with your fears in a healthier manner.

Encourage Open Communication

Foster a supportive environment where your child feels comfortable expressing his fears and concerns. Encourage open communication and validate their feelings. This will help build trust and emotional connection for them.

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Expose Your Child to Positive Experiences

Gradient exposure to the subject of their fear in a safe and controlled manner helps a great deal. For example, if they fear dogs, introduce them to a friendly, calm dog under your supervision and after a few meets the fear will come down. Positive experiences help alleviate fear and build confidence.

Share Age-Appropriate Information

When your child expresses fear or curiosity about a specific subject or object, provide age-appropriate information to address their concerns. Simple language and visuals help dispelling misconceptions.

Focus on Strengths and Interests

Identify and encourage your child's strengths and interests. Nurture their passion to achieve a sense of accomplishment, positive self-esteem by counteracting the fear and the negative influences it creates.

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Avoid Negative Reinforcement

Avoid using fear-based language or threats as a means of discipline. For example - Darkroom treatment, Bogeyman will take you away if you don’t sleep. Negative reinforcement instils fear in children and leads to anxiety.

Promote a Growth Mindset

Praise their efforts and resilience rather than focusing solely on outcomes. Mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth and encourage them to experience it on their own.

Foster Awareness & Help them Problem Solve

Identify problem areas with the specific fears and work with your child to break them into manageable parts. Brainstorm, share ideas and help them resolve the problem. Encourage them to find a solution on their own.

Try, ‘how’, not ‘why

When things go wrong when you are full of fear – asking kids ‘why’ will often end in ‘don’t know’. Who knows why any of us are petrified of silly things or make decisions that aren’t great ones or suffer phobias. The only certainty is that we all do them. Motivate problem-solving behaviours and reflection of how they can move beyond it and move forward.

Seek Professional Help

If your child's fears are significantly affecting and impacting their well-being or their daily functionality, seek support from a child psychologist or a counsellor. Professional intervention will help your child navigate their fears.

Finally, as parents, we have a profound impact on our children's emotional development and their perception of the world. Transferring our fears to them can hinder their growth and limit their potential. By understanding the dynamics at play, parents can nurture self-resilience and courage in their children, allowing them to navigate the world with confidence.

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The author is a consultant counsellor; corporate trainer; and columnist with a leading English daily. With more than 15 years of experience in the field, Nandini is a guest faculty at many prestigious schools, colleges and training institutions. She is a hands-on parent to two teenagers. Nandini can be reached at www.iamfine.in