Competition and Comparison: How Can Parents Help Kids To Avoid The Maze?

Earlier this year, newspapers were abuzz with headlines on student suicides in Kota, Rajasthan. Often, we have seen or read about various reports of suicide attempts, cases of self-harm and other mental health issues of students coming from this hub of coaching. And though this news is heart wrenching, it speaks of the mounting amounts of stress and pressure that the young adolescent students and parents face as they strive to succeed in the many competitive exams. A clear expectation that we the adults, the parents, the education system has collectively placed unfairly on our young ones.

Earlier, it was the parents who would want to ‘secure the future for their kids’ but today the trend is that the kids too want to run the race of these competitive exams to succeed and secure a successful career and a comfortable life. They want a good life, they want to be rich and famous and some are willing to toil endlessly for it.

While there is nothing wrong with being ambitious and aspirational, when your normal functionality is hit, it does become a bit much. What is the fine line? Where does the obsession and the madness end? Is there a method to navigate through this competitive maze while retaining your sanity and not succumbing to its challenges and pressure?

While the countless coaching institutes welcome aspirants with an intense academic environment and also provide fantastic results with rankers and toppers they also contribute to sad, tragic, toxic consequences. The insane pressure to excel, leads to unhealthy and constant competition among young impressionable students. Some grow up as depressed, numb, adults with zero emotional intelligence and many mental health conditions and illnesses.

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As parents, it is our responsibility to guide our children away from this maze of competition and constant comparisons and lead by example to foster an environment where they can thrive organically. What are some things that parents can do:

Identify, Respect and Celebrate their Individuality

Remember your child is unique and has his own strengths and weaknesses. Encourage them to explore their interests and talents. Help them find their own selves - Let go and let them discover their own and respect their choices.

Encourage Media Literacy

Get them to discern and develop critical thinking skills between reality and media portals and reel-heroes! Have conversations on mental health challenges and concerns, influence of advertising, celebrity culture, social media perceptions of success, beauty, becoming rich and famous.

Model a Growth Mindset

Abilities, Skills and Intelligence can be developed via learning, practice, discipline and perseverance. Encourage them to look at failures and challenges as learning opportunities and steps to success not as a win or a loss. Share personal stories of grit, resilience and determination that fructified only over a period of time.

Open, Two Way Communication

Create time to have open, non-judgemental conversations with your children and discuss their fears, insecurities, crisis, challenges related to academic pressure, competition and comparisons. Hear them out, listen actively, be empathetic and compassionate and not a conditional parent.

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Encourage Healthy Competition

Get them to view competition as an opportunity for personal growth and development rather than a prize or a tag. Let them stay humble and compete with their own selves and not become negative with others who sometimes can and may do better than them.

Healthy Mind is a Healthy Body

Help them plan their day, routine, food, rest, work, sleep and social life. Get them to set goals of their own based on their strengths, desires and skills not merely by copying others. Help them identify their purpose and meaning rather than being dictated by societal pressure.

Live and Let Live

Your children have a right to be happy and pursue their dreams, plans, ambition/s. This can be something that does not align with us and our traditional thought process of what is success today and more importantly what is right for them. It is ok, Avoid imposing your unfulfilled aspirations onto them.

Value Effort Over Outcome

Praise and validate their effort, hard work, discipline, consistency and the daily grind. It is nothing compared to what we went through our schooling when we were students at the crossroads of academic choices and college admissions. EQ> IQ and success is a result of dedication and perseverance, not mere competition and marks.

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Limit Social Media Exposure

Social Media tends to hype a negative mindset, sensationalise unhealthy news to get attention and reactions. It also perpetuates unrealistic standards of constant comparisons in our life of how we are ‘never enough’ or ‘less of’. Teach your children to cherish real-life social relationships and life-experiences rather than live fake, superficial, virtual lives, online.

Allow them to make Mistakes

Everyone learns best from their own mistakes. So allow them the freedom to make some and arrive at their own learnings for life. Showcase self-compassion and don’t become critical of their mistakes. This is how life-skills are learned.

Encourage Extracurriculars

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. Is true even today!! Allow them to take part in sports, extracurricular activities that they enjoy. They develop so many more skills than the mere activity that they sign up for and also learn coping and conducting themselves in social situations outside of an academic, high pressured competitive environment. They learn sportsmanship and healthy competition.

At the end of the day, parents are the only resources closest to our children who can influence and create a positive environment for our young-ones that refrains them from constant pressure, competition and comparisons. Equip your child to recognise peer pressure that promotes unhealthy competition or comparison. Focus on teaching them skills that make them independent and encourage their decision making skills and abilities to make healthy choices. Foster a balanced routine at home and encourage loving and supportive relationships. This will help them manage stress and foster and promote overall well-being. Encourage them to learn for the sake of knowledge and personal growth, not just for grades. Study time, sports, relaxation, social connections and good brain foods is non-negotiable.

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