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Parenting is so contextual. What may be a “Tiger Mom” (very ambitious parent) for one may be a “Perfect Parent” to another. What would be a parent who encourages a child to do her best for one may be a very indulgent parent for another. So, what is the way to parent without being too overprotective, so you can nurture while your child learns life skills and becomes more independent? How do you decide when to help, when to sit back, when to assist and when to set the boundaries very firmly?
This article describes scenarios derived from real-life experiences (names changed), helps you reflect without prescription or judgement, explains what behaviours indicate you might be overprotective, and signs of overprotective parents.
Nandini Sharma, head of the senior wing in a school, was having a chat with Suvasini and her mom, Smita. In the months after online classes started, Suvasini was missing critical submissions and assignments. Her internal assessments and grades were getting affected. Suvasini was defiant as she was not allowed to log into her email and check the Google classroom uploads independently. Only her mother knew the password and logged in everyday to check updates for Suvasini. All her internet activity at home was monitored and she was allowed only one hour to surf the net apart from online class. While these controls have helped keep Suvasini off gadgets etc. when she is not in class, they have reduced her ability to respond to assignments and queries that are uploaded later. Also, off late she has started to use this as a good reason/excuse for delayed submissions and assignments.
Smita knows that exposing Suvasini without her protection on the internet is inevitable. She was just very scared after all the cybercrime and peer-bullying incidents that had hit the news recently. She wanted to protect Suvasini especially as she was employed in the media profession and was out of home for long hours as hers was an essential services role which led her to being overprotective. What could she do to balance? How could she protect without curbing Suvasini? She had to reflect as this was hampering her efficiency and Suvasini started to feel that her mother did not trust her like other parents trusted their children. This was causing a quiet rebellion at home.
Also Read | How Does Parental Discord Impact A Teenager?
A Very Strict Check On Internet Access Can Be One Of The Signs Of Being An Overprotective Parent
Aruna’s son, Ram, had joined college in 2021. Ram had missed the fun of being in college for the first year and attended only online classes. It was July 2022 and colleges were reopening. Aruna was nervous, she had gotten used to having her family home for two years and felt shaken by the prospect of her 19-year-old son catching the metro and staying out for the day. She did not sleep one day before college started. The next day she texted and called her son five times to check how he was doing during the day at college. She wanted to know what he was eating, whom he spoke to, which classes got over etc. Her son did not pick her sixth call and that sent her into an anxious spiral of over-thinking and worrying about his welfare.
Ram came home that day rather nervous because he felt his mother was smothering him and suffocating him with her overprotectiveness. Aruna was hurt and emotionally withdrew causing a rift over the dinner table when Ram wanted to share his excitement of joining a new college. Instead, there was this overwhelming silence of not taking mom’s sixth call on the first day of college post Covid. Aruna reflected that night and realised she may have gone overboard and became too overprotective. She realised that she was not used to this way of life anymore and felt ‘left out’ when everyone else left for work or college. She knew she was overreacting; she just needed to show the right balance of concern and confidence in her son.
Also Read | How Should Parenting A Teenager Differ From Parenting A Child?
One of the signs of overprotective parents is that they end up pampering their child excessively. Let us see this with an example. Narad is worried about his son’s future. He has enrolled his son in an engineering coaching setup starting Class 9, so he gets an edge over others in the admission test. Narad makes sure his son is escorted to school and back in their car along with a nanny. His son Ananth is fed up; his friends make fun of him as the lady was his trusted nanny since he was a toddler and treats him as such. Ananth has lavish birthday parties, gets all the newest gadgets and devices etc. All his demands for gadgets, books, games are granted, and he is not allowed to miss or feel any less than his peer group. Except he does feel left out when he realises his friends seem far more confident than he is. Most of them take the school bus and even public transport at times when they attend coaching classes and activities. Ananth has the luxury of being driven to engineering coaching and back everyday in his car. Sometimes, his nanny also brings a snack or a drink on the way back. Ananth has decided to ask his parents if he could take the public transport sometimes with his friends and see if they agree. Ananth was unsure and did feel that his father takes all the decisions for him. He wasn’t even sure if he even wanted to become an engineer. Suddenly, Ananth felt lost, even though his father had taken a lot of effort to protect and guide him, somewhere it was suppressing him as a person.
Also Read | 8 Mistakes You Should Avoid Making With Your Teenage Child
Keep reading to know why parents should refrain from being overprotective, and how they can strike a balance between, as in, be adequately protective yet not overprotective.
In all the scenarios above you will find that the intention behind being overprotective was often very positive. Signs of overprotective parents were common in the above scenarios. It is just that the context and challenges faced by the student were different from what the parent had focussed on. Being overprotective can lead to issues of self-esteem, low confidence, inability to handle life’s challenges, poor financial skills, emotional vulnerability, escapist behaviour and an increased dependency on parents or peer group in the child. So how can you be protective yet not overprotective?
Also Read | How Is Your Parenting Style Impacting Your Child?
As a parent, you are as challenged as a “trapeze artist” who walks the rope in a circus. It is very important to be mindful of every step and retain your balance based on your values and your teen’s previous exposure, behaviour patterns and skills, and not be too much of an overprotective parent. Sit back and reflect on your interactions with your teen and your experiences as a parent. Listed below are a few suggestive questions that will help you reflect and not become an overprotective parent:-
Reflect on your answers to the above questions and identify areas to focus on. Ask yourself, “Which aspect of your behaviour may be overprotective?”, “What can you do to protect and empower your teen?”
Also Read | How To Help Your Child Nurture Their Mental Health
Make that small change after thinking it through. Even better, have a candid conversation with your teen to understand what they are going through. Reflect and see what works for you and your family context, this will make you less of an overprotective parent. Be brutally honest to check if you are pursuing standards of parenting based on how you were brought up. Were your parents overprotective? See if these standards are relevant in the current times. Reflect and think and you will find the gap. Now, just commit to work on not being an overprotective parent and make that small change.
Dr. Srividya, parent of two, is an Organisational Psychologist, Career, and Personal Growth Coach. She works with teens, parents, adults, and returning professionals, to help them align their personal and professional needs, desires, and overcome personal and professional challenges. She can be reached at www.lifevidya.in.
Exam Date:22 July,2025 - 29 July,2025
Exam Date:22 July,2025 - 28 July,2025
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