How Can Parents Deal With Their Child's Failures?

Becoming parents is one of the most priced and precious moment of any parents life and yet to be aware and accepting that with it comes the prerequisite and need of us being kind and firm, gentle and strong, compassionate and heartless at times to make our child independent of us, is one of the most important tasks and deliverables of responsible parenting.

Dealing with your child’s failures, personal and academic, can be extremely challenging and emotional for most parents, especially when we are not able to disassociate them from our own identities. Further, when we look at them as our own little clones to go out and complete and win the battles that we lost during our childhood and youth! Khalil Gibran’ piece on Children so deeply resonates with me here. It is almost a concept of detached attachment that he speaks of and asks the parent to nurture, equip, build and cheer them on - from the wings and watch them take their flight - On Their Own – as they have their own lives and personalities that they will rightfully grow up into!

It is important for parents to not look at their failures as non-fulfilment or a lack of skills, intelligence, capabilities, competencies and proficiencies but more like stepping stones to build something strong and solid. Approach the disappointment with empathy, care, and understanding and help them discern their learnings and encourage them to chalk out their long term focus and growth.

Here are some guidelines on how parents can manage their own emotions, social interactions, body language, disappointment, and carry out their interactions and engagement with the child who has faced failure, within the family context of having other family members, onlookers, naysayers and siblings in the household.

Become Aware of Your own Emotion: Articulate your emotion and give it a feeling word – Sadness, anger, shame, disgust, disappointment, frustration, defeat, failure. It is important to acknowledge and validate your emotions with your peers and an adult outside the home and not with the child or other family members, as that may negatively impact the child and further run down his already low confidence and self-esteem. It is important that you process your feelings before you speak to the child.

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Create a Safe and Supportive Environment: Let the child know that you will not brush his failure under the carpet but will discuss his difficulties and challenges and have ‘the talk’ but with no agenda of your own. Let him know that failures are a normal part and parcel of life and everyone is bound to experience a set-back from time to time!

Assure them of your Unconditional Love: Let them know that you are dealing with your emotions and this is not about you but them and yet - your love and acceptance of them is unconditional, irrespective of their achievements or lack of them. Encourage a dialogue with open communication where they can express their feelings without any fear of criticism, judgement or punishment.

Be an Active Listener: Be fully present to what your child shares as his challenges, difficulties and blocks! Stay empathic and be actively involved in their sharing by listening to their narrative first (do not jump to rescue, interrupt, complete their sentences and re/solve the issues with your adult brain). Understand, acknowledge and validate their feelings of how and why things went wrong and do not dismiss, ridicule or invalidate whatever they say.

Avoid Blaming, Criticism, Name Calling, Labelling: Refrain from blaming or criticising your child for their failure or calling them dumb, careless or entitled. Instead, focus on constructive feedback and help them identify areas for improvement. Encourage self-reflection and guide them in setting realistic goals for the future.

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Encourage Resilience and Growth Mindset: Teach them the importance of perseverance, learning from mistakes, and bouncing back from failures. Teach them to view failures as opportunities for growth and personal development, rather than as reflections of their self-worth or abilities.

Manage Your Body Language: Be mindful of your body language, facial gestures, tonality of voice and your own emotional charge as it can convey a lot to your child. Maintain an open posture, make eye contact, and use a calm and reassuring tone. Avoid displaying signs of disappointment or anger, as could create a tense atmosphere.

Set a Positive Example: Speak to them about your failures and showcase and model resilience and grace in the face of failure on how you overcame setbacks. Demonstrate the temporary nature of setbacks and the valuable learning that they lend. Let your child know that you are supportive of them through these difficult times.

Discourage Comparisons with Siblings: Foster an environment where siblings can celebrate each other's successes and support one another through failures. If you have other children in the household, encourage them to be understanding and supportive of their sibling who has faced failure. Teach them that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses and this was a one off.

Encourage the Child to Share his Way Forward: Let the child feel confident to share his learnings and improvement areas with you in a non-toxic, accepting, healthy environment. They need to step up and take responsibility and ownership for the failure while you continue being their rock solid support system.

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Focus on Holistic Development: Remember that marks do not define your child and academic success is just one aspect of his life. Encourage him to pursue his interests, develop own hobbies and talents, engage in activities that promote overall well-being and personal growth and be aware of his mental health.

Seek Professional Help if Needed: Do not shy to get help to manage emotions, thoughts and feelings should a professional, external intervention be needed. Especially, if the child has learning concerns or you suspect a gap or a learning difficulty please get timely help and assistance from the school system, special educators, counsellors or his immediate teachers.

In conclusion, dealing with a child's failures requires parents to stay calm and approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and mindfulness. Creating a supportive environment, fostering resilience, managing emotions and your body language, and encouraging a positive sibling dynamic, parents can not only help their child navigate failures and setbacks but also help maintain a healthy and harmonious household.

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