What Must Parents Do To Maintain Healthy Sibling Rivalry?

Every parent dreams of having more than one child so that the siblings can become each other’s best friends and eventually be the support system they need in adult life.

You may picture your little kids in perfect harmony, sharing clothes, toys, books, rooms, schools, friends, even interests and finally looking out for each other in the good and the bad times! And while this is the ideal wish of every parent, one must remember that each child has his/her own unique personality, DNA and temperament. There will be competition, jealousy, fights, resentment and sometimes this can become very intense and toxic.

We need to as parents and caregivers stay calm and neutral and help children build their relationships with love, care, confidence and compassion.

Sibling rivalry is a rather common occurrence. It is the feelings of jealousy between siblings, which can manifest itself in many ways, including fighting, arguing, name-calling, bickering, needing constant parental attention and validation and many other subtle negative behaviours. It can happen between blood-related siblings, step siblings, and even adopted or foster siblings. As a parent, dealing with sibling rivalry can be challenging and very frustrating. It can also be difficult to determine how to best support your children and help them navigate their relationship with each other. However, there are several things that parents can do right to help their children deal with and overcome sibling rivalry.

Siblings essentially spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents.

Hence, it is essential for parents to recognise that sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up and there is no need to magnify things if they can be managed effectively at the kids level itself. Children are always learning how to interact with others and develop their own identities and personalities by observing adult behaviours of significant others at home. Sibling rivalry can actually be healthy if managed properly. It can teach children how to resolve conflicts, communicate effectively, develop healthy boundaries, and foster empathy for others.

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What can Parents Do?

Set clear expectations and talk about natural consequences

One of the most important roles parents play in managing sibling rivalry is setting clear expectations and boundaries. This includes clarifying house rules, role responsibilities, expected behaviour and teaching them how to treat one other. Establish logical and natural consequences for not following these rules. Parents steer clear from becoming their field referee. When siblings understand what is expected of them, they are more likely to behave appropriately.

Keep things simple

Another golden rule for parents when a fight breaks is, stay out of it as much as possible unless you fear it will come to blows! Of course, if the older child is going to physically assault and hurt the younger child, you will need to intervene and get the two to disengage but you need to encourage your children to learn the art of negotiation rather than interfering and playing the peacemaker. Tell them not to carry tales and snitch to you and instead to figure it out on their own. You will be amazed to see them resolve their differences.

Model positive behaviour

Children learn by watching their parents model behaviour, so it is important that you showcase healthy communication, conflict resolution, and mutual respect. When parents treat each other and their children with respect, their children are more likely to treat each other with respect as well.

Encourage them to collaborate and compromise.
Sometimes we need to collaborate or compromise and look at a solution that’s beneficial to everyone. It is ok to let go of personal preferences, ego and choices for the larger good of the family. They need to learn that they cannot have it all in life and there will be times when they will need to compromise.

Sibling rivalry is not an uncommon occurrence in many families, but it can be managed effectively with parents who are proactive and sensitive to the needs of their children and are secure and confident themselves.

Engage them in classes/ activities/ interests/ sports together

Encourage them to spend time together and participate in activities they both enjoy. This can help siblings see each other in a positive light and build a sense of camaraderie. Should they not enjoy the activity give them a choice to pick something else that they could try their hand at together.

Do not compare

It is also important for parents to avoid playing favourites or comparing their children to each other. This can lead to resentment and jealousy, which can exacerbate sibling rivalry. Instead, focus on each child’s individual strengths and talents and celebrate their individual successes.

Teach Empathy

When conflicts arise, help facilitate productive discussions by allowing them to put themselves in their sibling’s shoes. Help them come up with solutions that work for both only when they have exhausted all possible options and ask you for advice. This will teach them empathy and help them find mutually beneficial solutions

Prioritise one-on-one time

Devote and dedicate 15 mins exclusively to each child, every day by doing whatever it is that the child would want and like to do with you. They both will understand that they have you ‘exclusively’ to themselves and there is going to be no competition to hog the parents attention.

Introduce family meetings

This is a great opportunity every weekend for all family members to sit together and air grievances, share problems and conflicts and more importantly offer solutions and find the way forward to disagreements and personal negative emotions.

Finally seek the help of a professional when needed
It is important for parents to seek professional help, counselling, support if sibling rivalry becomes too intense or starts to negatively impact their children’s well-being. Reach out to professional support to help your children manage their emotions and improve their relationship with each other.

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Finally, sibling rivalry is not an uncommon occurrence in many families, but it can be managed effectively with parents who are proactive and sensitive to the needs of their children and are secure and confident themselves. By setting clear expectations and boundaries, modelling positive behaviour, encouraging strong relationships, avoiding playing favourites, facilitating productive discussions, and seeking help when necessary, parents can indeed help their children navigate their relationship smoothly and confidently to last a lifetime.