Do You Sometimes Feel Guilty As A Parent? Cope With These 8 Ways

Although children often view their parents as superheroes with “larger-than-life” abilities, the reality is that many parents feel inadequate and insecure about their parenting skills. This can lead to a constant sense of guilt and the belief that they are not doing enough to be a "good” parent. From choosing the right birthing options to selecting the appropriate play school, monitoring their children's screen time, and helping them choose their academic and career paths – there always seems to be something that parents feel guilty about.

In today's world, the constant pressure to be a "perfect parent" is more intense than ever, fueled by the availability of information on better parenting practices worldwide through the internet, family, and friends. With an abundance of tutorials, classes, and sessions on parenting do's and don'ts, it's easy for parents to fall into the trap of second-guessing their decisions and feeling guilty about their choices. This feeling of guilt can lead to anxiety and unhappiness, with parents questioning whether or not they are doing the best for their child and feeling inadequate as a parent.

Guilt As An Emotion

Guilt is a human emotion that we all experience, knowing that we could have done better. It is almost hard to find parents who don’t feel guilty because everything that we do, every single day, we know has an impact on our children, and we are constantly thinking about it.

While this is not an easy feeling, it certainly resonates with a lot of people. It can be about not providing them a particular toy or buying them that PS4 or celebrating their birthday party the way they wanted – and that can make you feel that you are not a good enough parent. What is most important here is that we realise that we are and can be vulnerable as parents and that we do not always have perfect solutions – if we are able to provide core values and skills that children need, then we have done a great job raising our kids.

Guilt Is A Human Emotion That We All Experience

What Are These Core Deliverables?

Here are some fundamental deliverables that parents should try and instill in their children:-

Security | A child must feel safe, secure, and comforted with their basic needs met. Food, shelter (read a loving home), protection from harm, clothing, and medical care.

Love | A sense of emotional support and a sense of belongingness; a feeling of ‘I am loved, wanted, and needed in this family’.

Stability And Consistency | Your child should know that they have you to fall back upon in any kind of circumstance. Children also need a promise of stability from family, school, and the community.

Education | Not only does proper education give children the skills they need to eventually become responsible individuals and citizens, but it also brings with them immense confidence and self-esteem.

Positive Role Models | Practice what you preach. Display the positive behaviours that you’d want your child to imbibe so they have you to look up to.

Structure | Help your children develop the habit of functioning under some structure. Create some rules around routine and healthy habits, and encourage them to follow them.

There Is No “Perfect” Parent!

Sometimes parents are aware that they are unable to give their children sufficient and adequate time, are edgy, and displace anger, frustrations, and irritations on them for no fault of theirs. It’s this feeling of helplessness that slaps a huge immeasurable amount of guilt on us parents. Sometimes, it might be a lack of support, funds, education, expertise, and a desire to seek validation from other parents. However, it is okay to feel these emotions and become aware of them. We need to accept that this comes from a place of love, nurturance, and concern about wanting to be the “perfect” parent. But, a “perfect parent” is only an illusion and does not exist in reality. So this guilt is normal. However, how you choose to react to these feelings really sets the tone. We are often so concerned that people would judge us based on our child’s actions. We stress out, overthinking every little thing that can possibly go wrong in our child’s life. What we don’t even realise is that we end up comparing ourselves with someone else’s parenting skills, only to make ourselves feel inferior.

Some other things parents often feel guilty over are:-

• Working too much
• Not being home when the children come back from school
• Not playing enough with their children
• Losing temper
• Not being able to ‘spoil’ them with fancy vacations and expensive brands
• Not reading enough to them or having inculcated a reading habit
• Letting them eat junk, not healthy meals
• Lack of exercising
• Unhealthy role modelling
• Family dynamics

How Should Parents Cope?

No One “Right” Way | There is no one “right’ way to do things. Remember there is no one size that fits all. Each parent may have their own way of bringing up their children.

Support groups | Every parent has their own fair share of dealing with parental guilt and support groups help significantly.

There Are Different Ways By Which A Parent Can Cope

Let Yourself Learn | Believe in yourself and do your best! You didn’t become a parent with a readymade manual that was handed down – you live and learn, experience, adapt, stumble, fall, and rise again!

Be Confident | Don’t let social media, parent-teacher meetings, or other parents’ negativity get to you. Be confident in your own skin.

Do Not Compare | Keep things in perspective. Set your own standards and stop comparing yourself or your child with anyone else.

Be A “Friendly Parent” | Life is anything but perfect. Be present and there when your child needs you. Be a good listener and give them guidance and advice when they need it. Be a “friendly parent”. They might have many friends already; they need a parent.

Be Their “Go-To” | Be an active part of their milestones – academic, social, and extracurricular activities. Be their ‘go-to person’ but be mindful to balance the boundaries and not overwhelm them.

Make Memories | It could be one-on-one and as a family; create rituals, and fun routines; have occasional movie or game nights at home – It is not about being Santa Claus but spending quality time with your children. You could also plan and do small vacations in nature whenever it is possible. Remember, your children are ‘visiting faculty’ and will fly off the nest before you realise.

Enjoy, invest, and build this most beautiful and significant relationship when they are young, to ensure that you are an active part of their teenage and young adult lives.

Also Read | Cyberbullying Among Teenagers: How And When Should Parents Intervene?

Nandini Raman is a Consultant Counselor; Corporate Trainer; and Columnist with a leading English newspaper. She contributes to a successful weekly column on career guidance and choices. With more than fifteen years of experience in the field, Nandini is a guest faculty at many prestigious schools, colleges, and training institutions. She is a hands-on parent to two teenagers.