Arduous Dance Holding On and Letting Go Your Teens

Parenting a teenager can be stressful and challenging not only for the problems that they find themselves in all the time but also for the parents since most of our work is to help lay a solid foundation for them. As I proudly watch my first born confidently managing her life ‘off our nest’ in college, living and taking care of her own self and her business in another city for over two years now, I often catch myself relearning the delicate dance of holding on and letting go with my son who is at the brink of flying off, many a times.

I am reminded that our biggest role as parents is to teach our children to be safe and independent and the earliest that we can manage our fears and anxieties, I believe, we can feel confident about letting go, not micromanaging them and smothering their teen years with a million restrictions and in fact actually enjoy their metamorphosis with pride and joy.

At a recent college training session working with young intelligent and impressionable second year undergraduate students, we spoke about Freedom and Responsibility and what it meant to be an Independent teenager with responsibility.

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Parenting is an intricate journey, one that continually evolves as children grow and mature and showcase ‘signs’ of being able to take care and become independent of us, parents. We need to stay calm, balanced and aware that the transition of our children from childhood to adolescence is the most demanding phase of our adult lives. This navigation needs to be smooth (for the most part), without stress, tension and trauma to the young adult, irrespective of its challenges to us parents.

The identities of the young teenagers, their self-esteem and self-concept is developing at this stage and we need to be able to nurture, support and understand their need to assert their preferences and also be incorrigible very often. It is their need to be autonomous, independent, showcase adult behaviours and make some decisions that can be hard for us to understand, process logically or even see a rationale behind.

Some insights into navigating this crucial phase to foster a healthy transition and a secure relationship with our teens:

Help Them Develop an Identity

As adolescents explore their individuality, form opinions and new beliefs, check out various disjointed interests distinct from those that they inherit (sometimes), we as parents should remain strong and relinquish control over their choices and decisions.

Clashes between their new formed freedom, independence and parental authority is common. However, is it our need to control them or an inherent fear for their safety that is at the bottom of these clashes that needs to be understood and worked on. Help them find their identity.

Understand their Need for Autonomy and Independence

It is ok for them to grow out of our shadow. It is common for us to feel a sense of apprehension and a pit in our gut when they take decisions of going out late at night, partying, dinners, meet-ups, going for concerts, etc. but it is important to have a conversation with them about our concerns and fears and not project our insecurities on them. They will test boundaries and make some not so sensible decisions but unless it is compromising on their safety, back off and look at it as a sign of growth and a basic need of their stage of life. We need to find more interesting things to start focusing on than nit-picking their behaviours and lives.

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Work on Building Trust and Mutual Respect

Trust and Mutual Respect are the basic foundations of a well-meaning and a connected relationship. Be their support system even in times of failure or misconduct so that they know that you are their speed-dial connect and contact. Letting-go is unnerving but trusting their choices, interests, decisions encourages and reinforces faith and confidence in them to own up and take up responsibility for their choices and consequences respectively. Treat them as you would treat another grown up, mature, human being.

Encourage Open, Honest, Two-way Communication

Open Communication is the key to building healthy relationships. Honesty, transparency, open exchange of ideas, brainstorming, discussing pros and cons and working out the worst possible case scenarios is always helpful for them to know that there are many ways to resolve a problem and overcome a difficult situation. This fosters mutual understanding! As hard as it might be for me to get my daughter’s logic, at times I need to place faith in my parenting and her grey matter to step back and let her know that I Agree to Disagree. Meaningful conversations encourage them to share their vulnerabilities by providing a healthy, supportive environment.

Release of Control

It is ok for us as parents to gradually release the reins of control as they start maturing and growing up slowly and steadily. They need to know their boundaries with our set of expectations for them, within which they are free to explore, experiment and evolve! It is ok for them to experience and live life on their terms. Many times, it is their safety that is of utmost concern to us but we fail to establish that with them, the earlier that fear is spoken of (without being abrasive), the earlier their transition is smooth. Adapt to their growing needs and let them know when things are out of our realm of understanding and comfort for them to consider stepping it down by a few notches for us to make sense or to provide appropriate explanations for us to cope with it. This helps them step up taking responsibility and make informed choices.

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Yes, letting go is a delicate dance, one that is hard and yet very important to learn, for every parent. From making small decisions about their friends, to their subject choices, to career decisions, and friendship drama, it is the child who has the first right of refusal on what he believes is the next logical step for him to take for his life. However, our role is to be right by their side to advise, provide guidance and also intervene when nothing else works. To support, encourage, empower them and be their biggest cheerleaders who will provide them with their beliefs and core values yes, but also watch them with joy and happiness as they take their independent flights to spread their wings far and wide.

Nandini Raman is a Consultant Counsellor; Corporate Trainer; and Columnist. With more than fifteen years of experience in the field, Nandini is a guest faculty at many prestigious schools, colleges and training institutions. She is a hands-on parent to two teenagers. Nandini can be reached at www.iamfine.in